i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
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Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Randomize