How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
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you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
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I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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