Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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