someone threw a dead crab at me
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Life is so much better after having sex.
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decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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