i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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