Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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