Just fell off a train. Bad.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
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Ketchup is God's man juice
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
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I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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