I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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