There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
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pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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