Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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