My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
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The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
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Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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