when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
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There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
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I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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