The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
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She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
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I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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