my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
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Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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