I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
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How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
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I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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