Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
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He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
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All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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