Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
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It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
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