Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
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It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We have started to decorate penises.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
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the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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