Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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