My sheets look like a crime scene.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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