I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
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the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
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At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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