why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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