there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
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Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
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I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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