Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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