Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
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When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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