i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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