Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
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I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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