I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
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