If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
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And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
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I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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