He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
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You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
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I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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