im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
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There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
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All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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