Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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