What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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