those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
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Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
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She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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