sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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