So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
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Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
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It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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