life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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