2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize