my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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