I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I enjoy the company of your penis
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize