I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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