i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
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There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
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I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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