There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
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I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
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I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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