rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize