She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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