not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
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He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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