Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
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I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
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I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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