I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize