I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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