There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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